Sha Stimuli http://clatl.com/atlanta/the-way-we-ball-at-mansion-elan-in-atlanta/Content?oid=2004631
IF YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO MANSION ELAN IN ATL, CHECK OUT MY EXPERIENCE
A female “friend” of mine called me for advice about a dude she’s seeing. I gave her the advice and she thanked me for being a friend. I told her I was in the friend “category” but I’m not truly a friend. I mean we’re cool as hell, we’ve known each other for years, never flirted and have no business interests in each other…all that points to the safest zone of male/female interaction possible, but does that make us friends? I say nah.
There are some women that I may speak with to share a laugh, that I wouldn’t mind helping out if they needed me and some who I sincerely miss if I don’t see them in years…and these are people I have never crossed any line with. But again, are we friends…acquaintances…homies…old schoolmates? Or maybe just 2 people that never got close enough to mess up the so-called platonic friendship we’ve maintained. How did Plato get a whole relationship named after him anyway?
The age-old question, ‘can heterosexual men and women be friends?’ is boring, redundant and incapable of solving in 1 post.
There are too many variables to the equation when you include co-workers, exes that morphed into the friend zone and people you bumped uglies with a few times to satisfy that animalistic curiosity. Curiosity kills cats by the way (do with that pun whatever you like).
So here I am to lay wisdom upon you.
Some instances where men and women can truly be friends…and the contrary. Add more if you like.
THEY COULD POSSIBLY BE FRIENDS IF…
1.Guy is unattractive to her.
She likes tall, he’s an elf
She likes slim, he’s burly.
She likes Black, he’s…you get the idea.
2.Girl being unattractive isn’t really enough because he’d still sleep with her if she came at him correctly. But if he’s in a great relationship and she’s undesirable to him then he most likely would turn down any advances or flirts. And if she knew that then maybe there’s a possibility that “not-so-hot” chick and cool looking Guy can be amigos.
3.Girl is former or current lover of Guy’s brother or father. Dealing with his Best friend isn’t good enough…he may still test the waters.
4.Guy is former or current lover of…give me a second…(7 mins later). Yea I can’t see a female being genuinely close with anyone that is dealing with her homegirl, sister or bestest buddy and it being platonic. She may be cool with homie but they ain’t shoe shopping and chatting bout reality shows without someone wanting more, scratch this 1.
5.If Guy has other intentions for the friendship, I.E getting to know her better-looking friends.
6.If Girl has ulterior motives, I.E business advancement or wants his homeboy.
7.If Guy and Girl are both happily married and the 2 couples hang out together, share jokes, stories and advice but Guy and Girl do not hide their conversations or talk outside of the group of 4.
8.If Guy is some sort of client of Girl and they email each other only about business and they both have invested interest in going further in their careers…and she has a famous, rich boyfriend…or is looking for one…and Guy is not rich and she’s out of his league…and he’s not cute to her…in any way…then maybe they could be pals…maybe.
9. (On 2nd thought) If Girl is attractive to Guy and vice versa they can still be friends. BUT Guy has to really be an evolved individual and they can never be alone indoors for any reason…or drunk at a party where she needs a ride…or on her birthday where she may think “it’s my birthday and I can do what or who I want and it doesn’t matter” or umm, he has to do top-only hugs at all times, and never look at her cleavage. There’s more rules to 2 hot opposite gendered people being homies but I still think if they’re not related…watch out.
10.If they have slept together once…or twice just out of curiosity but neither mention it again and 4 years minimum have passed, there is a slight chance that maybe they have defeated the sexual attraction that exists and can move on to a real friendship if and only if they have both found people they really like and realize that the sex had to happen to get it out of the way…but most likely they aren’t friends.
So you found your soulmate and he/she has a few opposite gender buddies that are not ugly enough for you huh? Well pay attention.
THEY ARE PROBABLY NOT FRIENDS IF…
1.Guy has ever offered a massage.
2.Girl has ever said, “I need a massage.”
3.If they go out and Guy pays.
4.If they go out and Girl reaches but Guy still pays.
5.If there is no chance for $ to be made by them meeting for dinner, lunch, or brunch.
6.If they have children together but they are cordial and he/she sleeps there sometimes…”for the kids”
7.If Guy introduces her by her name and not “this is my friend, Girl”
8.If Guy has masturbated to thoughts of Girl.
9.If they are co-workers and…
yea that’s it, any good looking people at work must sleep together at some point, they ain’t friends, don’t fall for the banana in the tailpipe…especially if
9a.Girl tells him what her man doesn’t do.
9b.If Guy tells her what he can do.
9c.If they smile at the thought of each other.
9d.If they work closely together when they don’t have to.
9e.If they speak thru email and no one else has their email passwords…
10.And if your spouse has an ex-lover that is now their “pal” or “besty” and the relationship has broken new grounds since they stopped having horizontal dance sessions, don’t be so jealous and jump to conclusions that Guy is still flirting because he thinks he has “beatrights”…or Babymama rolls her eyes at you…or Guy sends “I miss u” text msgs at 12:30 am…or Girl writes private jokes on his Facebook wall…or Guy tags her in everything he posts…even with all of that, they might be friends. He may be over your woman…that chick may not care about your man.
There’s a high probability that they are 2 individuals on an enlightened path that have decided to divulge info, hang out with or seek the company of someone that isn’t their lover.
In summation, chances are if opportunities present themselves, if liquor enters systems, doors close, mouths shut, and phones lock, a man and woman may discover that the human they confide in is more than a private part in an emergency glass casing revealing the truest essence of “platonicism.”
or they’ll get it in and realize what’s real…
They ain’t friends.
As always, thanks for your comments! They make a difference…
Since I have so many new readers, I have to take you guys back to where these rambles began to take form and why I decided to put them together in a book. And it’s because of you taking time out to read em and spending an extra few moments to comment…so being that I will be going to BBQs soon and I have been back to church, this unofficial ramble from last year caught my attention. Enjoy!
As much as this hurts me inside I have come to grips with the fact that I do not look scary at all to strangers. I can have my earphones in bopping to my music with the meanest of faces on a dark New York street and some elderly Caucasian lady will tap me on the shoulder and ask me for directions without hesitation. I want to say “Don’t I look frightening? Why aren’t you concerned that I’ll rob you Miss?”
But I never get it out, and this happens quite often to me. I have been in the middle of conversations, or on the phone on the street and some person that I know I could easily take down and steal all their valuables just trusts in me to lead them on the right path. My hoodie and attitude mean nothing to people and that sucks.
I guess that’s why this retarded kid in the park the other day decided he would throw his football at me and it would be cool to initiate an impromptu game of catch with someone he’s never met in his life. This kid had to be about 8 yrs old, his mother was either watching from a distance or sent him over while she hid.
Anyway, here I was 4 minutes into it back and forth looking for an out when it dawned on me that catch is just that…catch. You throw and you catch, that’s it! There isn’t a score, no winner and no clock; the game of catch isn’t a game at all. It has no end and I had no way of finishing this torture other than running away from this excited youngster who might’ve been alone in a park. Then I started thinking maybe this was a prank and I was being filmed, or maybe this was a test from God to see how patient I am or there could be some beautiful, model Mom that wanted to know if I was a good stepfather candidate and this was how she felt out potential partners.
As I was running away I thought about how many times we as humans get caught in moments of discomfort. People go to extreme lengths to not be uncomfortable. However we all find ourselves in situations where we wish we could instantly disappear: A trip up the stairs in the party, not enough money on your debit card, surprise gas release, caught in a turning lane and you don’t want to turn. They are the tiny fractions of time that really aren’t a big deal but we just wish we could push fast forward.
We’re at a BBQ and I don’t remember her name, but she knows mine and we just had a 30-minute conversation about music, basketball and acquaintances we must both know but yet still no bell has rung. I’m texting her description to my boys…no help, handed her my phone when she offered her number to keep in touch but the drink in her hand caused her to say “you just write it in.” And now my friend walks up and I have to introduce her…
“Oh this is my peoples right here…we go waaaaay back, well we had a different name for you back then, what do you go by now?”
But her name was the same as it is now. And I still have a number in my phone under the name “Hey” because I didn’t take the time to remember even after all that but if she ever calls that’s what I’ll say, “hey” and pick up right where we left off.
Even that is not as bad as talking to a woman that has her cleavage exposed and she catches you looking at them. See the thing about cleavage is…well see cleavage is…is sort of like a separate entity or “entitty.” Two pushed together tatas that are halfway smiling at onlookers live and breathe on their own. Once a female with cup size decides to let the girls out then they have eyes and a mouth and they communicate with the public.
You can be saying one thing but your cleavage says the total opposite. If you bring cleavage to open school night to talk to your kid’s teachers then they are having a different conversation than the one you’re having. While you’re talking about your rugrats, the male teacher is asking if you’re a single mom, your breasts are saying “kind of but it’s complicated,” he’s asking them for details, next thing you know your kid is doing much better in school, is receiving awards and special attention and hasn’t learned a damn thing.
However your mammaries have changed the world, your double D’s have given birth to straight A’s! So with that said, you know what you’re doing Miss, don’t expect me to focus on your words if you wanted to have titty talk. I can’t focus that damn well. Just say what’s on your mind and their mind or just let me look at them and say hello.
I’m saying all this to say, cleavage is a beautiful thing except when it’s not. If you’re a married man and your wife’s homie’s low cut dress has you diverting your eyes to the floor every second then who’s to blame for this madness? Not you sir. The uncomfy moment of getting caught looking at your boy’s fiancée’s rack is your fault? Hell no! They are apparently out for some reason. And even if that reason has nothing to do with you it doesn’t matter.
If you’re with your woman and the guy at the next table can’t help staring during his order, do you give him a pound and say “all mine” or do you get upset and reprimand him? And what if instead of a random guy, it’s your friend, and he’s not doing a split-second glance, he’s gazing, smiling and commenting after a few drinks at the fight party? Do you want to have your own fight just because she decided to show 2 of the reasons that you chose her anyway?
They have an ego that needs to be fed so as you look at them and she looks at you it doesn’t mean you want to motorboat her or you’re wondering what her areolas look like or if her nipples are small or big; you’ve seen tits before. You’re just being courteous and giving them the look they were asking for. If anything she should say sorry instead of doing the ‘pull up the shirt adjustment’ as if she didn’t know her breasts were speaking to the entire room. That’s why I stopped going to church.
Thank you for your comment, it makes a difference…
You know what never happens to me? I never go out to eat and finish my entree and have the server come over and say “We saw how fast you finished your food and it looked like you enjoyed it, so the chef decided to bring you seconds and it’s on us…”
I would be so grateful and excited, but that never happens. Instead, I go to buffets once in a blue moon and the food is just above ok and I try to save room but it doesn’t work. I am never as hungry as I am at those spots where plate refills don’t exist. Oh well.
And since I’m mentioning food, you know what really grinds my gears:
When people show up to fight parties or house functions with no beverage or contributions, then they’re the 1st ones in the kitchen grabbing up wings and pouring Belvedere. I just hate that.
It irks the hell out of me when I do that. But times are hard and my little bottle, which will be from my crib…and be opened already, isn’t going to add much to your shindig and besides if it IS a new bottle, you better believe it’s coming with me.
I know…I know, rappers are supposed to be ballers but I’m not one of those guys that comes to the crib party with big gallons of Hennessy and Patron and all the people look at them when they walk in like they just turned water into wine. Oooh I hate them too. Just bring one thing and put it in the kitchen discreetly, so what you got it, you don’t have to flaunt it rich guy. I hope your kid misses a meal because of your magic, fancy bottle you brought.
I think with housewarmings people expect gifts…at BBQs they don’t mind you just bringing buns or soda, (ice is the cop out) but at fight parties, money has been spent on an event so if you’re not charged to get in then the pressure is on you to have something in your hand when you walk thru the door. Hosts are hip to the six-pack of beer trick too. I think there’s a 2 six-pack minimum, if you’re not alone, which is crap in my book.
House parties are interesting because you have to take so many things into consideration:
-Mismatch socks (or holes) incase you have to take your shoes off…
-Food on your face, in your teeth, on your breath, any food disrupting your cool can be detrimental. Just stick with finger food and if you’re a guy then you have to give up your seat for a female that’s standing up eating, yea I know, it sucks but I didn’t make these up.
-Too much alcohol, blurting out unfunny jokes or flirting with the wrong person could result in long-term damage. Especially with twitpics and cameras on phones.
-Sweating can be pretty bad too, because then you have to wipe your forehead and get paper towel remnants on you…or you get sweat stains and people point and these are just the small things.
-Overextended convos. It’s tough to know when you’ve reached the point of small-talking to someone for too long but heed the signs if you’re the culprit of forcing a conversation that should’ve ended at “You still have my number right?” or “I’mma hit you on Facebook.”
The next level of shame at the house gathering is frightening and under no circumstances should you stick around if you have:
-A booger, or nose crust, or anything that resembles mucus in that area. If a friend doesn’t warn you early, it’s curtains for you.
-Body odor, you may have forgotten deodorant or it wore off…or the sweat took over and now someone is indirectly talking loud about how people in here need to bathe and you don’t even know it’s you…so you laugh and that makes other folks laugh…so you laugh more because you think they’re laughing with you…but they’re really laughing at you.
-If you have to use the bathroom for anything other than #1 then you should leave that shindig right away. Even if you’re nowhere close to anything else, it’s important not to blow up bathrooms or get alcohol sick at someone’s home. This isn’t even a cool/uncool thing, it’s just wrong. Of course there are exceptions and if you have to go well then you have to go but I say go before you go.
You may think I went to some fight party this weekend and that’s what sparked this rant, but I did not. Not that I wasn’t outside Dallas Austin’s mansion a few minutes after the list closed. Yes there was a list. Not a good time to have a shirt with your name on it when you’re trying to pretend you’re not the guy that didn’t get in.
“Stimuli, is that you? You didn’t get in either?”
“Nah I was in there, it was wack! Just free food, drinks and real famous folks rubbing elbows, I’m outta here.”
This entry is stolen from my book:
Before you read this, please understand that I do not claim to know everything. I am not a grammar guru or a spelling bee sultan but I do know that laptops fit on your lap, and labtops…well I don’t know what labtops are but I think that they’re fancy shirts worn by female scientists.
I hate when people correct my grammar. Every time I say something like “conversate” or “irregardless,” or “where you been at?” or “what you hit me for?” I don’t need some smarty art telling me I made up a word or used it incorrectly, or added an unnecessary preposition. Most people don’t even know what a preposition is.
I’ve been using the English language for quite some time, I don’t know every word and how to use it but you know what I mean most of the time. Nowadays, in this email era, thee extent of people’s education is exposed more and more.
But wait, don’t worry about it, I’m on your side. I used to get annoyed by misspelled words, misplaced punctuation and sometimes typos but now I realize how much of a snob I was. Everyone didn’t go to school, and even the ones who did, didn’t pay attention in English class, and even if you paid attention, how are you supposed to remember when to use “your” or “you’re” when your in a rush? See! Even I get it wrong. Wrong or write though. It doesn’t matter.
Sure, I definitely feel like saying something when folks use words they may not know how to spell.
“Sha is definately a prick, weather you believe it or not.”
“Stop being so phacecious and synical yo.”
“Their always seperating us, do you here what I’m saying?”
Yes I here you, and I hear you too, the squiggly red line doesn’t always pop up, and it’s not your fault anyway. I no what there trying too do man. Its two much too right down.
If no one ever told you the correct way that a word is spelled, how wood you know? They sound alike.
But then there are the terms that maybe you should stay away from, if you haven’t done the proper research:
-Labtops??
-I’ve never seen a statue of limitations, but I’m sure it’s a small statue compared to the statute of limitation.
-I don’t know what lip singing is, I’ve heard of lip syncing where your mouth is synchronized with audio. But if lip singing is singing with just your lips, then that must be tough.
-I’ve never “harpered” on something and I’m not sure that I want to.
-If you’re animate about an occurrence at work, but you mean to be adamant, don’t get mad at me and start to get all cartoon crazy.
-“Embarrassed” and “harassed” are tricky. Just use “ashamed” and “bothered.”
-If you think you’re better “then” me and “than” you want to prove it…well you just did.
-If you want to listen to your inner conscious and I’m boring you to a point where you become unconscience then that’s find with me.
-I like benefits, and although I would rather that they are fringe benefits over French ones, I’ll take what I can get.
-No matter how many different artsistes you like, I hope I’m one of them. Well I know I’m not anymore.
Have you ever engaged in a face-to-face conversation with someone and they accidentally landed saliva on your face? And they looked like they know it happened but they’re too embarrassed to say anything…and you don’t want to wipe it away just yet because that would embarrass both of you…so you kind of wait for their eyes to look somewhere else and then you get it off…then you try to say a lot of words with “p” and “t” to return the favor but it doesn’t work…
Maybe that’s just me.
I’m not a nice guy at all, but I was reading this Malcolm Gladwell book that really stressed the theory that we are all never one way. Meaning the nicest person in the world can be a prick at any given moment, the safest guy you know can throw caution to the wind in the right circumstance and, you get the idea.
I don’t think authors are smarter than me but I think the word “author” has something to do with “authority” and that maybe the only reason I’m writing books is so people can say I’m an authority figure on some topic I pretended I knew a lot about…either way, I think that author was pretty on point.
You ever had a server mess up your order but you still left a decent tip?
How bout handing an unfriendly cashier a 20 and getting back the 20 as part of your change…and you point out the mistake and return the bread?
Not you?
Ok, what about the passing beggar that doesn’t have any talent and has on some name brand gear but truly looks as though hard times has fell upon them? Normally, you look the other way but something inside you says this human may need your help, or it might be an Angel testing people out disguised as a beggar…or a demon doing the same but whatever the case you decide to give knowing your contribution could go right to the bottle.
I can say I’ve done all that and the exact opposite at different times.
Sure some folks are neat freaks or compulsively considerate or habitually late but for most of us, we think we know who we are and what we “always” do and we throw it in as part of our characteristics…but those things change, and that is probably the only constant that we are bound to endure…change.
Speaking of change, I went to a bachelor party the other day and as this stripper danced on me and I realized I didn’t have any…change that is, I thought about her motivation. Sure, she may have thought I wasn’t the ugliest guy in the room, but her nudity, her moves, her feigned passion was all about paying her bills. I didn’t want her to like me or anything but I felt like a pawn in her little game.
It just reminded me of a Bud Light commercial as they all marveled at these women flipping and spreading as if they had never seen it before and threw out grocery money like mindless fools.
So after I got some change and joined the fools, I see why they say certain parts of the female anatomy make the world go round
And this ladies and gentlemen brings me to my final thought brought on by a short story that I will label fiction for squeamish readers:
I’m in a car with two of my boys in Atlanta. I’m in the backseat, Cephus is driving and he owns a shiny, luxury vehicle. Some women pull up on the driver’s side. Cephus spills some cool guy banter, they bite and say they’re not doing anything later, and hand him a CD. I instantly think they’re rappers so I say pop it in. He notices a phone number on it and lipstick, I try to play it and realize it’s not a CD but it’s a DVD.
Fast forward story, DVD in car, we watch screen, fast forward DVD, girl from car, is now girl on screen, now girl unclothed, now girl with man on top of her, ok DVD out, phone number called, whatever, whatever, story gets fuzzy but the ending was PG I promise.
We did get to speak to the young actress in person and during our interview we found out that a photo shoot she was paid to do turned into an impromptu porno because some more money was offered. We don’t know how much but that turned into a DVD of her 1st time, ahem…on camera that she’s selling.
My point is, is the motivation of money enough to make someone put him or herself on camera like that or is that a part of who you are already?
Does it make her a whore? Is she just money driven? How many of us have the ability to separate sex and love? How much would you charge to get on camera and handle your business? What if it was enough to change your financial situation? What if it was just sex and no filming? Is there a price at all that can make you go that far?
Most of us say that there isn’t a number because we have too much to lose: jobs, family, dignity…for the rest…you just saw a magic number pop in your head, don’t worry your secret’s safe with me. But think for a second about who you are as opposed to the situations you’re in, some of us are still learning ourselves and it’s not the worst thing in the world.
Look out for 2 new discs from me “The Proposal” and “My Soul To Keep: OVERTIME.” I thank you in advance for your feedback and comments.
